WIBTAH for calling my MIL out after she commented on her anorexic daughter’s weight?
Some comments are just thoughtless. And some comments land like a grenade — especially when the person hearing them almost died from the very thing being joked about. This is the story of a woman trying to protect her partner, a mother who probably meant no harm, and the question that’s keeping her up at night: do I say something, or do I let it go? Reddit had a lot to say about this one.
Five Years of Love, Trust & Healing — The Background You Need to Know
My (40F) partner “J” (40F) suffered from anorexia for most of her teens and early 20s. It was very, very serious. In photos she looks like a skeleton. She was in treatment several times. We’ve been together for 5 years. By the time we met she was significantly better but still very tiny and still had a lot of food “rules” (no pasta, etc). I am a good cook and I enjoy making healthy meals for us.
Over time she started eating more and relaxing her “rules”- she’s told me it’s partly because she trusts me and knows I love her for her and not her appearance. Naturally she’s gained some weight. A few months ago she had major back surgery and gained a bit more.
She isn’t fat by any means (I wouldn’t care if she was) but is self-conscious about the weight gain so I’ve been extra careful not to ever comment on her eating habits or appearance. To me she’s perfect at any size as long as she’s happy and healthy, which she is.
The Comment That Started Everything
Yesterday J went to visit her mom. Her mom is generally a nice person but 90% of every conversation centers around her. She has literally never asked me a question about myself, my job, etc. She made a comment to J about how “they both could stand to lose a little weight”.
When J told me I was furious. It was a long time ago but her daughter nearly died from anorexia, and she says something like that? I really want to say something to her along the lines of “do you think that was a smart/helpful thing to say?” but J just wants to let it go because she’s very non confrontational. But just the fact that she mentioned the comment tells me it’s been on her mind. WIBTAH if I spoke to my MIL?
The Edit That Changes Everything — In Defense of the Mom
ETA- in defense of her Mom, she is not a bad person overall- more kinda spacey and lives in her own world. She loves J very much and is usually very supportive, and they are pretty close. Being self centered doesn’t mean someone has narcissistic personality disorder, some people are just like that (not an excuse, but NPD is an extreme conclusion).
They are not going no contact over this comment. I will not speak to her w/o J’s permission. J used to be heavy into dance, especially ballet, which she believes is where the anorexia first started. Her parents (dad has passed) supported her through it when it was happening.
Conclusion
This story isn’t really about whether to confront the MIL — it’s about what it means to truly protect someone you love. J’s partner has spent five years being careful, being kind, and creating a safe space for healing. One careless comment from a well-meaning but oblivious mother threatened all of that. The most powerful part? She said “I will not speak to her without J’s permission.” That’s what real love looks like — not rushing in to fix things, but standing by someone and letting them lead.
Sometimes protecting someone means holding your tongue. And sometimes it means speaking up. The key is always: whose healing comes first?
Source: Reddit
